Cheaters: Doesn't Look Like You Men Have Learned Yet

I can't stand a cheatin' azz man. Many times, their actions are so unnecessary and much of it is born out of selfishness. I was watching "Ali" the other day, and seeing when he cheated on his 2nd wife with Laili Ali's mother, made me want to trip the next Black man I saw.

And people arent just busting out windows and having screaming matches anymore. The shenanigans of Steve McNair led to him hooking up with a crazy woman who decided to go on a killing spree when she found out he wasn't leaving his wife for her and he was also cheating on her with another mistress. Does anybody remember the story of Clara Harris, the woman who ran over her husband 4 times when she found out he was cheating with the receptionist? And speculation abounds as to the recent murder of Arturo Gatti, while his wife sits in custody.

Are men gonna take heed and sit their behinds down somewhere?

Well apparently San Diego aint learned a lick from these incidents.

Who is San Diego? I'll tell ya who San Diego is.

Once upon a time, waaaaaaay back in 2006, I decided to take a little one day trip to Arizona to help one of my closest friends celebrate her birthday. She'd been living in AZ since our freshman year in college and I had yet to visit, so I hopped on a plane for some quick partying. Since she was also celebrating her son's birthday, my her boyfriend/son's father had all of his friends drive down from San Diego. They were all a cool group of guys who kept the jokes and dranks coming.

One of them kept flirting with me. He was kinda quiet and cute, but that night after the club, with both of us full of likka, we stayed up talking about nothing, with my head on his shoulder until 5 in the morning. We exchanged numbers of course, and he called me so we could talk during most of his five hour drive back to San Diego.

For the next few weeks, we'd talk every other day on the phone. He'd make me smile and I'd be on cloud nine. He'd mention coming to visit me, especially since he had family in the Bay Area. I'd never thought to mention me coming to San Diego, and he never mentioned it either, but that was alright with me. This happened to be at the height of my Date Master tomfoolery, so I wasn't focused in on this guy too much. When we talked, he made me smile and that's all I really cared about.

Now the upcoming events are a little hazy since I'm getting old and this was 3 years ago and I barely remember stuff about my boyfriend from six months ago. Bear with me. Some of these events may be out of order lol

I knew that he had a daughter from a previous relationship and I had been told that his daughter's mom broke his heart. I knew that he was in summer school, finishing up his degree, two hours outside of his hometown. I had also been told that San Diego was a really, nice, sweet guy. Shortly, thereafter, some how, some way, I found out that San Diego also had a current girlfriend. I can't quite remember if he confessed to it on his own, or if someone told me, prompting me to ask him and then he confessed. I do know that when he was done with his degree, he moved back home...with his girlfriend (not his daughter's mother). And, I also kinda remember him telling me about his move and calling me throughout his move, but never saying he was moving in with another woman.

I do not remember what I did when I found out. I know I was mad and highly irritated. I probably would have throat chopped him if he had not been so far away. I do remember that when he told me about his girlfriend, he was EXTRA nonchalant about it...like he was telling me he was moving in with his mama.

The thing that made it shocking: he really did come across like a nice, sweet, attentive guy. He didnt lie about anything (that I know of) while we talked. If the scenario was that I found out from someone else first and then I asked him about this girl (I really cant remember), I think he came right out with a "yes". No heeing and hawing around the truth. And even after he told me, I would have never known he had a girlfriend because he was always readily available to me.

I had a friend at the time who gave me some of the worst advice ever: "Girl, so what if he has a girlfriend? He don't live out here. And how many boo's do you have? You can't be mad at him, the way you go out three times a week. Girl, let him come out here and spend time with you and spend money on you and just have fun, no strings attached."

Why the hell did I listen to her?

I think I saw her point ONLY because she pointed out all of the other men I was dating at the time. I rationalized that I had plenty of distractions, so there would never be a time that I'd feel neglected by him or pushed to the side because I was never solely focused on him. Feeling neglected or pushed to the side is critical to someone like me, an only child, which is why I have never ever ever been able to quietly share a man...or too much of anything else. If you can't give me all of your attention, then it will not work...unless there are three other people picking up your slack.

I did feel bad about how our actions could potentially affect his girlfriend, but due to the fact that we were so far apart, I tried to shake it off. Had she lived in the Bay Area, though, I would have never kept dealing with her man.

So we kept up whatever we were doing. He visited me once under the guise that he had a game in the bay area (yes he was somewhat of an "athlete"). We had a blast.

The next time, he came under the guise that he was visiting his uncle/grandfather. He actually did see his family, but the majority of the weekend was spent with me. We had a good time, but I soon became irritated because he texted the ENTIRE time he was with me. suga doesn't like that at all. It's very rude. I asked him about it a few times, but he shrugged it off. "Did you come out here to spend time with me, or text people all day?" He'd just laugh it off.

Now, I usually don't do this, unless you give me a reason: One morning, when he got in the shower before our breakfast date, I decided to investigate. Don't ask me why. It shouldn't have even mattered who he was texting, since he was already cheating on someone with me, but that didnt stop me from looking through his phone. Slight problem tho- he had a flip phone that had some sort of hard case on the back. I couldn't open the phone without removing the case. I eventually figured out how to remove the case, but the phone was password protected. So much for my investigation. BUT...I couldn't put the wierd little case back on the phone.

I start to panic. The last thing I want to do is get caught being sneaky. I try in vain, for 5 minutes, to reattach the case. No luck. I call one of my girls who might know. She has no idea and tells me to google the phone and the case, but time is running out. I hear the shower go off and say "Eff it!" and just put the phone back on the charger, place the case on top of the phone and go on my merry little way.

At breakfast, he asks if I looked through his phone. I furrow my brow and say, "Huh? Why would I do that?"

"Are you really going to act like you don't know what I'm talking about?"

"Huh?"

"My girlfriend doesn't even go through my phone."

Shots fired.

Well maybe you shouldn't be here with me since you feel the need to text her the entire time you're here. Do you realize how rude that is?

You didnt have to go through my phone.

I didn't go through your phone, San Diego. And you know I didn't. I'm not even going to argue with you over this. You're a grown man sneaking around flying out here to see me, when you're girlfriend who DOESN'T go through your phone, is probably home missing you. Give me a break. Why are you even here if you're going to text her the entire time?

We didn't talk for the rest of the meal. My tire was low on my car so he decides to buy me two new tires. That was very random. He decides to go to his uncle's house for the evening and tells me he'll call me later. When he calls, I tell him to stay at his uncle's house until it is time for him to leave. I have no desire to see him again. Plus another boo had flown in for the weekend and I liked him more.

For some reason, that little comment about what his girlfriend did and didn't do, sent my blood pressha sky high. Could have been because he never ever spoke of her, except for the time that he told me she existed. I felt like he was comparing us. And I could care less. If you're doing wrong, dont point out how I'm doing wrong.

I do believe that we made up, though. And he began planning another trip to see me. Until the infamous phone call....

Well really, it was a text.

One day, I'm at work and I get a "We need to talk" text from San Diego. Oh lord.
He begins to explain that a situation has come up and he hopes that I am not upset with him and that we can work things out. I tell him that I will call him on my lunch in a few minutes because this doesnt sound like something that should be discussed through texts.

As soon as we begin to talk, 'ol boy immediately starts trying to preserve our "situation". I have no idea what the problem is, but I go along for it until he says "She's pregnant."

Silence.

I am trying to figure out how am I supposed to respond to this. Since his last visit, I'd written him off as really just a cute friend who kissed well. It hadn't crossed my mind that we'd ever be a couple, that we'd ever do more than kiss, that I'd ever fly to San Diego to see him...none of that. So why oh why, is this man trying to preserve OUR situation, when his live-in girlfriend is pregnant? Why does he care what I think? Why is he even telling me? If he'd never called me again, I would have shrugged and kept it moving.

Hmmm...ok.

Yeah, so I wanna work it out with you?

Why?

Because I really like you and I feel like we have something good going.

I'm starting to think dude just wanted a jump off (but, could I be considered a jump off if all we did was kiss?) in every city. And he felt like being up front and honest with his women, would prevent any of them from busting him out to his main chick.

San Diego, it really isnt that serious. Go on and handle your fatherly duties and I'll holla at you later.

No, no wait, suga. I dont want us to stop what we're doing.

Why?

Let me call you back.

We hang up and he begins to text me. I ask him why he's texting now and he says its because he had to go back in the doctors office with his girl.

WHAT?!?!? You were at the doctor with her and you left her to explain to me whats going on? Are you serious?

He explains that as soon as the doctor told them she was pregnant, he texted me about needing to talk.

Who does that? That was so disrespectful. And I know you're wondering, how can I suddenly be worried about disrespecting her when her man has been out here to see me twice. Please believe, it was heavy on my conscious. And that is why I had no problem telling him not to worry about me anymore and to concentrate on his new family.

BUT HE WASNT HAVING IT!

For the rest of the day and most of the night, we argued through text about me not wanting to deal with him anymore. His argument was that he could be a family man and still spend time with me. HUGE TURN OFF. And I realized that the life of a mistress/side chic, is not the life for me. All I could think about was if I'd just found out that I was pregnant, and my boyfriend leaves the doctors office to call some other heffa that lives seven hours away because he's more concerned about preserving their situation. I couldn't imagine such a life.

So I told him 50-11 times, to go on about his business of being a father and baby daddy, and to leave me out of his mess. For a while, he wouldn't take "no" for an answer, but there are only so many months of unanswered calls that a man will put up with. Soon, the calls morphed into emails, though. Emails that also went unanswered.

This began to disturb me, ESPECIALLY when I was told that he proposed to his girlfriend soon thereafter. I just didnt get it. When he would send me emails, I'd ignore whatever his message said and respond with, "How's your fiance?" or "Did she have the baby yet? Wonder if the baby will look just like mommy". He'd ignore my antics and ask when we could talk. Then I'd delete him. He got highly upset when I removed him from my myspace friends list. Soon, I cut off all communication...and he eventually got the hint.

Or so I thought.

I decided to check my yahoo email a few weeks ago and lo and behold, a message from San Diego. Three years and he's still wants to know how I'm doing. I forward his message to my gmail, and respond to him with a "fine". Thats it. No hi, how are you, or elaborating on how fine I am doing. Just "fine". I hadn't communicated with him since 2007 and I thought that would be harmless.

Bad idea. He must have used my gmail email to do a search on Facebook (at the time, I wasn't searchable by my real name) because the next thing you know, I get a friend request from him. I decided to just let it sit waiting to be approved because I knew that if I denied him, he would just send another one and another one, causing me to shake my fists at my computer screen.

One day, I notice that his friend request has disappeared. He got the hint. YES!!!

Nope.

Last week, I recieve another friend request, with this message attached:

Wow, are you that disgusted in a brutha? You had me on REquest Standby for days!!!! Maybe I should just let it Go?!? Hmmmm. Well, I do hope all is well with Ya, Ms. (my last name here). :)

If I could slap a smiley face, I'd slap the one at the end of that message. "Maybe I should just let it go?" Ya think?!!?!?!?! Idiot! And yes, his page says he is STILL engaged. Why are you worried about what's going on over here? Go be with your fiance and saddown somewhere.

I dont think he will ever learn...until he gets hit by a go kart.